Hello world! I know there’s been a long pause already in my multi-part Blog (“My Crazy Life…” Parts I, II, and III respectively, so far), and a huge gap in time since my last post (for which I apologize), but I’m a Wordsmith, and as such, I gotta get what’s in my head out, or it hurts! LOL The irony is that this too is variable, as with “My Crazy Life…”, which, remains a niggle in the back of my mind, but is not (yet) screaming for release. It’s the screamers that you have to take care of right away, or everything else just gets jumbled, which can lead to a plethora of other issues. In “Real Life” as well as in your (my) writing! LOL
So here is what’s screaming at me now… As “fate” would have it, it’s not completely unrelated to “My Crazy Life…”, so hang on to your gents, your ladies, your hats, it may get turbulent ahead…
It is astounding to me, that we (as a society) have developed (not just created, but developed, over several hundred years) a system that says publicly, openly, and often, its goal/priority is to correct, rehabilitate, “fix” even, those members of said society that act criminally, with full public support! And yet, nothing could be further from the truth.
Not only is that not their goal/priority, but in fact they do/practice just the opposite. The entire system is set up to demoralize, humiliate, ostracize, and increase the number of recidivists for a maximum of profit. I’m sure I’ve mentioned this in whole or in part before, but I say it now because of “the system’s” effect on me, one who doesn’t fit in to their neat little (or large) classification(s) of criminals they have. Who, because of my “unique” situation/self/mentality, was able to take in what I saw, and instead of becoming yet another categorical example for them to neatly file under “This is why we must do what we do, and continue doing it!”, I now cringe at just how unjust it really is/has become! I reel at the thought that, they, unbeknownst to me until now (“now” being relative to the time since my release), were able to so completely brain wash me I am struggling to reintegrate into the society I left being whole.
And it of course does not help that society itself has its own set of stigmata for “convicted felons”, regardless of whether or not you “rehabilitated” or not. Once so labeled, nearly everything becomes more difficult! Getting a job, a car and/or loan, a house/apartment… anything that has or requires in its path to acquisition a background check.
I am now damaged goods. Not at all who or where I want to be in Life, with bigger obstacles in my way now than there were when I was simply homeless.
Please don’t mistake my stating of the situation as a sign of an ill-mood, or one of shame or regret. It is not! As I so often like to say/point out, I am, have been, and continue to be so very very Blessed! The reality of my situation is not (for me) a detractor from my demeanor, but something I’ve observed (am observing) of the challenge(s) that I now face in attempting to again be the me I have so long wanted to become.
And these external influences in lieu of an inaccurate labeling is frustrating, to say the least.
Let me also make the detraction that, I stand in my own way as well. Old habits (such as procrastination) linger on, and when the task ahead looms so daunting, it’s all too easy to want to put it off.
Enough with the digression. I was being pissed at the system… LOL
It’s bad enough being stuck in a “box” of a space physically, but even worse when it is discovered that box encompasses the mind! And this is something “the powers that be” don’t even consider. They do nothing but the minimum to care for the body, they certainly aren’t going to delve into the costly arena of ensuring ones mental health (so long as it’s not negatively impacting them or others…)! It is but by the grace of God that I have maintained the faculties of mind I do have… I shutter to think where I might be, mentally and physically were it otherwise.
But just being aware of the problem by no means fixes it. I still must get up each day, deal with the situation I’ve been given, and attempt to make progress towards my goals. Making the time to do it all is my biggest issue. Routines I’d developed over the course of 36 years of Life have been all but completely removed from my psyche by (almost) 7 years of incarceration. Now there is just a memory that I once had been able to task myself efficiently enough to survive in the “real world”, and compare it to my “now”, where it seems more of a challenge than it’s ever been. Where before I could manage my distractions, now they impose themselves upon me as traffic signals! Red lights when you’re trying to progress, green when you need a break!
Yet, this is Life, is it not? We all face the difficulties of trying to make time to do all we’d like, while dealing with the reality(ies) that keep us from it/them. Perhaps I’m just more painfully aware of the constraints than I once was, as, after having been incarcerated for so long, I value my time so much more than I had before. So much of the “rat race” seems a waste to me now… but those things I’d rather fill my time with are also farther, and further, away.
But there you have it. A rant, about not much in particular, or everything, I suppose, from a different perspective. I still feel stuck, but I know there’s a way out. My mind dump is nearly complete for this installation, so be prepared for the continuation of “my Crazy Life…”, where I know I’ll be talking a bit more about the “me” I’ve observed in lieu of post “lock up”.
Until next time I write/type…
Aloha! Namaste! As-Salàmu Àlaykum!